Feeling Awkward with the Real People in My Life

I had a good, long talk this week with one of my dear friends who has been a stalwart during this transition of launching a business and navigating it all. And she pointed out something that pushed me to write this blog.

I feel like two people right now, and that’s okay.

Every time I put words to the page, or promote a new event, or share a new idea, I realize that in some ways, what holds me back the most are the people in my “real life.” I feel strange pouring my guts out to the internet and realizing the people that I interact with in real life, on a weekly or daily or monthly basis, are sometimes the people that I am most scared to read my blog posts or find out about my new ventures.

I know that they support me and love me, but I am trying to be raw and real in a way that I don’t always want to talk about in my regular life when I see them at casual things like the bar or a party or at recreational sports. I see my blog as a way to connect with people that might need to hear my struggles and challenges and inner thoughts, and I’ve been thinking of those people as “out there” aka not where I live. I mean, who knows if I should even be doing this or how vapid or self-serving or [fill in the blank here] I actually sound when I write these?

But I am driven to shine my light and help others shine theirs through Mad Genius Studios, and if that means I have to be more vulnerable in my day-to-day life, so be it. I am ready and willing. I said with a new friend today that I was feeling vulnerable about something I’d shared with them about my failures, and they said, “Well, stop feeling vulnerable and shit. We all have baggage.” I responded, “But being vulnerable can be good sometimes though; gets to the heart of things and can reveal various aspects of our personalities, ya know? And allows us to get closer to people.” I pushed back because the older (and hopefully, wiser) I get, I realize that when someone lets you see them in a vulnerable state, it’s truly a thing of beauty and an act of courage and you’re getting a real glimpse into their heart, soul and mind. Plus, my friend has already shown such beautiful vulnerability early on that it has inspired me to practice it more, too.

So, yeah. I think vulnerability is interesting and sexy as hell and something to be admired in others, so I am trying to embrace my own vulnerability more. What’s the worst that can happen? Someone puts me down and I realize that they aren’t meant to be in my life anyway? Well, that’s just efficient.